A good bit of it I can change, I just have to have time... probably more time than I'm willing to admit to myself. I thought about it a LOT last night. Meditated on it. And I realized that I've forgotten to be who I am, who I want to be. I've been ignoring who I am, focusing instead on who I think someone special wants me to be. Of course, if I had actually thought about it (ironic, I know), I would have known better. Intellectually, instinctively, I know that he wants me to be who I am, that that's who he loves and wants to be with. But I didn't think about it, at least not from that far out, and I've been trying to do everything I can to be what he wants, or rather what it seems like he wants me to be. I've let myself go, let go of what's important to me, and am trying to mould myself to something that nobody is actually asking of me. I've let a job... a job I hate and am unsuited for... I've let it eat at me and eat at me, making everything worse.
On the bright side, knowing that something's wrong, I have begun meditating again, though not "properly" I admit... at least not in my accustomed fashion, which I may have to change. I've been working out my... quirks, trying to quell tendencies to overreact and so on and so forth... I've spent a lot of time in the "basement" of my brain, where all the horrific crap has been shut in. Trying to straighten it out, trying to clean it out... it's hard work. There is a lot of pain there, and many false beliefs upon which everything else was built. But I'm trying, and it's slowly getting better. Very slowly. Things that mean nothing to some people trigger... unexpected reactions in me. Usually not for the better. Once I lower my guard to someone, let them in, I lose the ability to filter a lot of it out. I would rather not have to raise any part of my guard again, but I might have to... I'm at a job which eats at me, I'm away from those upon whom I have relied for the last two years, it's winter so I'm depressed (damn S.A.D.), and I've not been true to myself. The late hours are really not helping either, nor is being sick (still not better, but enough so to go back to work today... yay...), but that's beside the point. Actually, I've wandered far away from the point, which was about overthinking. Apparently I overthought (underthought? both?) the blog on overthinking... oh well. My only other thought was, to nobody in particular, that sometimes, just sometimes, it's not me who's overthinking things, but others who are underthinking. Usually though, it's a bit of both.
God I wish my brain had a mute button...
