Group Minds vs The Individual

Most everyone has heard the term "group mentality." This of course, refers to the way that humans behave in groups, as opposed to on their own. To generalize, we become idiots who will do things blindly without wondering why. I'm not being mean, I've caught myself doing the same thing, even here very recently.

When in group settings, people cease to think for themselves. Part of our brains tell us "hey, this person's doing something, let's follow their example!" As a result, we get large groups of people behaving like idiots.

Part of this may be from self doubt and self image. We are somewhat unsure of what we should be doing, and do not wish to stand out in any negative light, so we follow the leader. The leader is the other part. Some could be from simple misunderstanding, and acting on impulse. The other portion may be from people who, frankly, are not the brightest crayons in the box. They do not stop to think about what is the correct thing to do, but simply follow the first thought that pops into their brain. Then the people around him see this and follow suit so they don't look stupid.

I have found myself wondering about things lately (this is all Sparky's fault, by the way. He lent me a book, 1984 by George Orwell) and governments, some real, some fictional/potential, make me wonder how much of this is due to group mentality. All it takes is a small number of individuals to get things moving in the right direction. People from con artists to politicians and rulers have used this trick for ages, planting or seeding the crowd with a few scattered individuals to set the mood. As powerful a tool as this is, I have trouble believing that this could be a lasting solution with any population of people larger than a small town which is addressed regularly by such as a mayor or religious figure (think big cults). However, to mix in isolation of the population from outside influences and information, as well as propaganda, and there exists a potential for quite a convoluted society.

Much of this could be averted or reverted by individuals forcing themselves to not follow the crowd, to think things through themselves. Confidence in one's reason is a must for this. However, if one was trapped in an isolated, propaganda riddled society, one's view of reality could rapidly be altered. To ensure and enable this, as well as for other various reasons not pertaining to the topic, there must always be at least two powers in the world around us. Without the other's perspective and reality check, one homogenous society would fall into serious problems, most of which may well be unintentional. With the opposition to both call the bluffs and to offer an alternative viewpoint, it would be difficult to fall too far away from an honest society. However, isolating an entire society would negate these effects.

In this way, despite my personal desires, I know that it is neither wise nor practical for there to be a single governing power on the planet. While a coalition, such as the United Nations, could be both a transition into a single nation and a binding force to keep nations in check, it is not feasible to coalesce into a single entity, until one of two things happens. One would be colonies on other astrological bodies: the moon, Mars, and what not. The other would be contact with a space-faring civilization that is more or less technologically equal to our own. With the first scenario, the different planetary bodies could form separate governments which could (given enough time of course) keep each other in check. With the alien scenario, it would have a unifying force upon humanity, although if the civilization is significantly more advanced or powerful than our own, we would be wiped out one way or the other (look to human history, with every indigenous race that encountered a more advanced culture). If they were less advanced, they would be doomed. Of course all of that would take a great deal of time to accomplish.

As usual, I've rambled away from my point, but just keep in mind it's not usually best to just blindly follow the crowd. Now, if you're in an especially foreign culture, often as not its best to take your clues from the crowd, but if you understand most or all of what's going on around you (especially the language), just make yourself stop and think.

Good and Evil

Last blog post, I touched on right and wrong. This time, I want to move past that to what is good and what is evil. Good is easy enough to understand, and we all have an idea of what evil is. But what about the dividing point, if such exists? One thing that is for certain, though, is that -much like right and wrong- it is entirely situational. Each situation must be taken into consideration and analyzed. There are no blanket statements.

Let's start with good, since we can easily grasp that concept. Good things are... well... good. Hmm, maybe we can't explain that quite as easily as we'd all like to think. We could say that good is that which betters the lives of others. On that note though, high industry is good. It provides jobs and material possessions which make life more pleasant. On the other hand, it provides pollution, has an adverse affect on the areas around it, and the products can lead to social side effects which we shall not go into at this time. So, simply saying that it is something which betters the lives of others is not what "good" is. How about things that promote life? This sounds better, but the first thing that comes to my mind is that, as condoms prevent the conception of new life, they must not be good, despite their health benefits. Without them, disease would spread, which, while not often life threatening, are not a good thing to spread. So that definition is out as well. Looks like this is all a bit more challenging than would be expected. Religious values are out at the starting point, based on the various religions various view points. But if we take the general points on which religions agree, that could be a decent place to begin building a definition. Things such as murder, stealing (based on the culture's concept of property of course), and similar things. War is often included, but sometimes it is considered good, and even when it isn't it's often ignored. So scratch war. Based on that, we can take out the concept of "not harming others" as a definition for good.

Well, we seem to be striking out everywhere we turn. Let's take a look at evil instead.

We've already taken care of "that which harms" by taking out the opposite for the definition of good. A malevolent force is a good term for it, but that is completely subjective. Selfishness, while usually not the right thing, is not nearly extreme enough to consider evil. Hitler and his actions are widely considered to be evil, and there are very few who would disagree with that label. So genocide is evil. But surely there is a line somewhere closer than the slaughter of millions of people for what is evil. To kill one person may or may not be evil, depending on the nature of it. War heros are considered far from evil, yet they may have killed more people than some serial killers. So numerical values have nothing to do with it. So we go to intent. Intent to harm? That by itself is not evil. To sin? Well, according to Leviticus it's a sin to cut the hair on the sides of your head. I refuse to believe that my haircut is a sin. So sinning is out.

If you can't tell, I could go on for a while about various concepts about what is good and what is evil, and why they aren't. We understand the extremes. Mother Teresa: Good. Hitler: Evil. But everything else? Not so clear. Perhaps, good and evil aren't so much forces or even a scale, so much as terms which are used and often abused. We could consider good (there should be a better word for extreme goodness, such as there is for extreme badness, and saintly just does not seem appropriate) we could consider good to be the extreme end of what is right, and evil the extreme end of what is wrong. But almost everything falls somewhere in the middle. There is also an entire spectrum of things which simply do not fit on the scale. They have no place in the concept of what is right, what is wrong, what is good, and what is evil. Not just sell-out answers like "a rock" or "a tree" but real things. Such as a mother giving birth to a still-born baby. That is not good, no. It is not evil, or even wrong. It simply is. It's sad, it's depressing, it's devastating even. But it is not evil, and nobody did anything wrong (unless of course they did, such as drinking/smoking/drug use during pregnancy, in which case the mother is very wrong for it, or if she was pushed down stairs or some such, in which case the culprit is very wrong for it).

The entire point is that while we may think we know what good and evil are, we really don't. Few people can discuss it without bringing religion into it, which would imply that anyone who does not share those beliefs is misguided at best or evil at worst. I do not believe that because one group says that one way of thinking is right and everything else is evil that this is so. I believe in a higher power, choose what name you will. But the being I believe in (if being is even the correct term) would not consider one religion right and all the varied others to be evil or even wrong.

Now THAT would be a topic for another blog post, but don't hold your breath. Religion is one of those topics which I rarely stray into, and I've said more than I care to already.

Right and Wrong

I've been contemplating such things as good and evil, right and wrong a good bit tonight. It is something I have frequently revisited, and which while easy to comprehend, can be difficult to find the razor edge between the two.

I have always strived to do what is right. Not what is popular, not what others think I should do, but what I feel is the right thing to do, deep down. It is not easy to decide, sometimes. It is often not easy to do when you do decide. I have often failed, and sometimes refused to even try, or simply acted on impulse. But, I would like to think, I have more often done what is right than failed to do so. But there is an entire other side of this. This is where most people slide down the wrong path, succumb to the easy evil. Inaction.

Any time you make a decision, there are three choices at the least. You can go one way or you can go the other. Or you can refuse to decide. But a lack of a decision is still a decision. Say you know that there is someone being hurt. To decide not to summon help is to not do what is right. However, by remaining indecisive, you have effectively done the same thing.

Kids do this all the time with bullying. Most kids do not think it's right, or ok, or support it. But they do nothing to stop it. Simply by saying something or stepping between the bully and the victim, they could stop it cold. But, by not doing anything, they support it.

There are many times that I, and most people, have simply done nothing. I am becoming more and more aware of how wrong it is. To make matters more frustrating, you cannot simply think about the present situation either. Many things require thinking things through, on into the future. Take the bullying for instance. Not only are you allowing that particular action to take place, but future actions will occur based on the success of the first. What I'm saying is that the old adage about the way to hell being paved with the best of intentions is true. Annoying, isn't it?

One final note, a bit different than the others, but still related. Cheating. Everyone knows its wrong, although some choose to ignore that aspect of it. There are exceptions to be made for mutual understanding of the constraints of a relationship and what not, but let us not get into that for now. And before anyone wonders, there has been no cheating involved in my relationship. Sparky and I have both been faithful and happily so. My point is this. It is wrong to cheat. It is even more wrong to have an ongoing affair. But it is also wrong to not tell your partner about it. First and foremost, to my mind, is the damage to the relationship. If they don't know the relationship has problems enough that such an action was taken, they cannot help repair it. There are also the potential health problems involved, both from possible STD contraction and an angry third party showing up. Doing what is wrong is easy. But doing what is right, especially after doing something as wrong as cheating, is incredibly difficult. But if a relationship is to be salvaged, it is best to be open about the feelings and the root causes. To discover some other way about the affair would be even more hurtful than to be told by the one who did it.

Long story short, doing the right thing is rarely easy. Sometimes, it downright hurts to do. Sometimes it hurts everyone involved, but is still for the best. But it is the best we can do, and if more people would simply step up and do the right thing, rather than the wrong thing or nothing at all, this world could be a much nicer place.

I sound like something out of a Disney movie. Sorry about that, I'll probably be back to sarcasm and vague points soon enough.

The World Askew

Nobody sees the world as it actually is. This can be a good thing or bad thing from time to time, but typically it is just simply a fact. Even realists, as they call themselves, see it in a skewed way.

This sounds worse than it actually is. But take the "typical" person (in our culture, of course). They view the world centered around their family and close friends, as well as around their job and possessions. This provides the center for their view of the world, and most things in it. For example, if all of your friends think that Obama is great, or that Obama is horrible, then you're likely to think the same thing, or be swayed towards that opinion. You might not completely agree with them, but their opinion, because they matter to you, will have some affect on your thought process, moderating it slightly. Not always of course, but the less important the issue, the more likely you are to be moved on it.

Now, political matters are more difficult to determine the truth about until well after it's all done and over. Other things, however, are easier to determine. Pollution for example. Everyone knows that pollution is bad. It hurts the environment, which can in return hurt our planet on a larger scale and hurt ourselves. Littering is a lesser form, but still, it's not good to throw plastic bottles into the ditch. But if your friends all do it, you're likely to start changing and do it from time to time yourself, or think it's not a problem. If you're lucky, you might change their opinion, but the majority has the bigger influence usually.

This is all well and good, and shows that the skew can change, but I've strayed from my original point. Everyone sees the world in relation to themselves and the world around them. Americans typically think that they are the best at everything, and that their opinion matters more than anyone else's. Anyone else's opinions are not often seen to matter. Few people into account that, for example, there are far more people in China than in the US. I have had conversations with people who completely assume that the US is right about every single thing, never makes mistakes, and believes that English (namely the American dialect) should be the language of the entire planet. I have nothing against the US. I like living here. But we are not perfect, and we have, and will continue to make mistakes. Everyone does. But I am also willing to admit that the form of government we have now will not last forever. Nothing does. There is not a single government on our planet that has survived intact from its original form. Some of the most successful ones were the Roman Empire and the Chinese Empire. Some things last for a very long time. But at some point, everything has to change, and its for the better. As for the language issue, if you wanted to be democratic about it (which Americans have trouble arguing against on anything), then Mandarin would be the planetary language (unless I'm mistaken about which the most people speak). Actually, despite my enjoying English, almost any language would be a better choice for ease of learning. Then there's the whole Imperial/Metric issue.

These are just some of the bigger examples of seeing the world in a skewed way. There are plenty more small ones, which each of us see in our own way. Everything from issues to other people are seen from perspectives, with subconscious weights attached to everything. On the bright side though, even if our lives aren't very important, we can think they are and be happy with that. I know I'm utterly unimportant to the world at large. But I don't intend to go anywhere, and I try to do the best I can while I'm here. Besides, I might not matter to the planet, but I matter to individuals. And I like individuals more than groups any day.

GYLC

This is a summary of a trip I took back in 2004, so I was 16 then. Just thought I'd share, and it's plenty to read.

Global Young Leaders Conference: GYLC

Day 1 Sunday

Arrived at Baltimore/Washington International, rode shuttle bus to GYLC site, at George Washington University at Mount Vernon Campus, Washington DC

At sign up, met Emily from Australia, who was in my country group; France. Each person was sent into one of twelve or so country groups to meet in. These groups were: France (the best group, of course), USA (second best, because they were on bus 4 with us), Russia, China, Nigeria, India, Syria, South Africa, Turkey, Israel, Egypt, Japan, United Kingdom, and Cuba. The divisions were apparently random. France group consisted of:

Thomas, a New Yorker

Justina, a Canadian Ecuadorian

Nav (short for Navraj), an Indian Canadian, also one of my closest friends

Emily, from Sydney Australia

Adil, from Ethiopia

Creig, from South Africa

Sylvia, from Saudi Arabia

Faryn, from South Africa

Libby, from Australia

Shannon, from Los Angeles

Jonathan, from New Jersey

Neta, from Israel

Elizabeth, from USA (not sure where)

Brad, from South Carolina

Cat, from Australia

Katherina, from Germany

Lindsey, from UK

Vi-vi, a Paraguinian United Kingdomer

Chad, from Wyoming

Stacey, from South Africa

Laura, from Australia

Allison, from Brooklyn, the FA (Faculty Advisor)

And myself

At the first Leadership Group Meeting, LGM, we first played the name game, where you say your name and an animal starting with that letter. Going down the list from above we had Turtle, Jaguar, Narwhale (he got that as a nickname because of that), Emu, Alligator, Cat, not sure what Sylvia’s was since she was the last to go, Fox, Lion, Squirrel, not sure what Jonathan’s was, second to last to go, Newt, Elephant, Bear, Crocodile, Kangaroo, Leopard, Viper, Caterpillar, Snake, Lyrebird, Antelope, and Spider. We started to get to know each other, and talked about what we’d be doing over the next twelve days, and talked about our first simulation, a WTO meeting over a trade dispute over Australia refusing to import Canadian salmon as Australia has disease free waters. Met Nav during that LGM, during a WTO conversation. The first day we also had some orientation type meetings and things like that which aren’t very interesting to describe. At the end of the day, 9:45 until about 10:30 (room check was at 11 every night) there was a social, but I only stayed there a few minutes as there were way too many people for me to be at all comfortable.

Day 2 Monday

At the first LGM that day we went over some more things, and started learning about France.

Ate lunch in Georgetown, which had a big mall, and lots of shops. Spent the time with Emily and Laura, and had a fairly good time. Next was a speaker, Dr. Gary Weaver on Cross Cultural Communication. Was very interesting, and had good delivery on his speech. I rank him second in our list of speakers. Back at GW, the next LGM was a debriefing of Dr. Weaver’s speech, and some more WTO preparation. That night, we had our best (or second best, to some) speaker, Mr. Kimmy Weeks. He was very inspiring, and has done amazing things, though he is only a few years older than we are, 22 years old. Extremely good speech and delivery, and received a long standing ovation. It’s impossible to describe how amazing it was. After the speech, we visited the Korean, Vietnam, and Lincoln memorials, with a good photo opportunity for the Washington Monument, though my pictures did not come out well as I have no night mode on my camera.

Day 3 Tuesday

First was a LGM on an embassy visit. By this time, we were pretty good friends in France group (day one and two, we had sat by gender and country, respectively, day 3 we were randomly distributed), and were enjoying all the LGMs, and worked as a team. France group went to the Turkish embassy, and had probably the best experience of the entire GYLC. Not only did we get doughnuts and cokes, but we simply enjoyed the visit, and learned a lot from the diplomats.

Lunch was at Union Station, where I spent time with Nav and Ben, from Norway. Very interesting conversation, and had fun walking around together. While we were eating, a (supposedly) homeless man came up trying to get money out of us. Ben offered to buy him food, which he finally agreed to. Nav and I, however, were wary of him, and fanned out following Ben and the man (who had very clean breath for a homeless man, good clothes considering, also) until the meal was bought. We then left the floor, and Nav made sure we were not followed, while I stayed with Ben off to the side in a bookstore.

After lunch, we saw the WW2 memorial and had a photo op at the white house. Spent this time again with Nav, who I was already good friends with. After the debriefing LGM, we had a Cultural Exchange LGM. We shared things from our culture, and just had fun talking with each other. During this time, I mentioned that I loved the diversity there, and having all the people, and really didn’t want to leave at all (evidently, I had reverse culture shock). Vi-Vi, when I was getting some food out of a vending machine later (well, trying to, it didn’t like my money) ran into me and asked if I meant what I’d said. She found out where I live, and said that she’d lived in Baton Rouge for six months, so she knew what the people were like, and was really sympathetic when I said “yeah, trying being gay down there” since she knew that it could be hell down there if you’re gay.

After dinner, we had the WTO simulation. I was a Tasmanian salmon farmer, as was Nav, but since nobody asked us questions much, we just talked most of the time. My side did win however. Next, we had a LGM on the next simulation, about a conflict in the future about TDR (trans-distner republic (can’t spell that)) wanting to become independent from Moldova, and some complications involved there. Afterwards, there was another social, which I ended up spending some time with Nav, as I did not want to return to my room, where I had no roommates (which was nice at first, but got lonely there).

Day 4 Wednesday

First was a briefing on the World Bank speech we were about to go to, which turned out to be very dull, and many slept through it as we were all starting to feel the effects of lack of sleep. The Bank people, however, were very impressed, and asked us for all the questions we had asked, as well as those we were going to, but hadn’t the time to ask. Lunch in Old Town Alexandria was pretty fun, which I spent with Emily, Nav, Adil, Thomas, and Brad wandering around, and eating ice cream together.

Next was the Holocaust Memorial Museum, which was very intense. It was meaningful to everyone, not just the Jews and Germans present. It was simply indescribable, and is something everyone should take time out to visit, and spend more time there than we had available to us. It would take a full day to see everything there, and even then you could not read everything there was to read.

After visiting the FDR memorial, which I walked through with Nav mostly, there was a BBQ dinner, which was pretty good. Ate with Nav, his friend from Canada: Nadir (originally from Pakistan), and Vi-Vi. Had fun talking about different things, and joking around. Next was a debriefing LGM, then a part of the Moldova simulation where we wrote out our proposals, then another cultural exchange.

Day 5 Thursday

On the fifth day, we had our most official speech yet; at the US Department of State. GYLC made it through the security checks in about half an hour, which was very fast for a group our size. The speech went well, and was very informative, as well as entertaining. The speaker had a good attitude, and did not treat us like young or ignorant children, and had a good sense of humor. While she obviously couldn’t answer every question at fully as some would have liked, she did a very good job at it, and only evaded one or two questions at all.

Lunch was at the Fashion Centre at Pentagon City, a four story mall. The total area was around twice that of the Mall of Louisiana, and contained more stores than I’ve heard of, even with the other malls we had been to so far. What surprised me most, other than the four-story Macy’s, was that some of the stores had more than one location inside the mall. I noticed one pretzel place in particular on two different floors. Bathrooms, however, were difficult to find. I ate a Hawaiian wrap for lunch, which had a spinach tortilla with rice, pineapple, and I believe some ham in it. It was surprisingly good. I also had yet another flavor of Snapple drink, which I’d never had before GYLC, but is very common in DC and NYC as they have a price incentive to drink healthier things. Water is cheapest, followed by juices such as Snapple (the most common), followed by soft drinks. Mostly, I walked around with Emily, as Nav was off with some other friends, and I wasn’t on my normal bus.

Next, which is why we were on different busses, we had a variety of sites we could visit, depending on which you wanted and what you got assigned. My bus visited the CATO institute. Personally, I found the entire experience rather revolting. Imagine a group of people, whose views are that almost anything the government does is wrong, that it does not matter if something is unhealthy, it should be legal, and, in some cases, hypocritical. One such instance was that the government does not allow complete free trade, and then later that the government did not do enough to protect against things such as mad cow disease. According to the CATO institute, drugs such as marijuana and cocaine should be legal, so that people do not use them as much. While there is a point to this, and a valid point at that, there is a reason the drugs are illegal. They’re dangerous. Personally, I think he was on drugs, but I could be mistaken and have no real grounds to say that other than what could just be signs of (extreme) nervousness. I asked him two questions myself, the second of which made him start panicking somewhat. The first was how they get fresh viewpoints so their ideas do not grow stale, which he says they get new professors in constantly. Somehow, I do not believe it is as constant as he implied. The second question, as he said CATO supports individual rights, was about their position on gay marriage and abortion. At any hot topic, CATO suddenly had no position officially. He said that they do not have any current discussions on those topics, as they don’t currently have any (paraphrasing, of course) personal interest in them, which I don’t quite believe, but that he personally supports them both. It was entertaining, however, to see just how much one person can sweat from a relatively small group of people asking questions. The thing that bothered me most about the setup though, was how, compared to the other speeches where the speaker was (by arrangement) the head of the discussion, but part of the group (the only other similar to CATO’s setup were the world bank, which was more open, and the US Department of State, which was also much more open). The CATO setup, however, was a descending auditorium with chairs, like a movie theater, then, set back from the rest of the room, set apart by lights as well as paint colors and a border like a large doorway, the stage for the speaker(s). If this had been a lecture, then I might not have minded, but for some reason, the setup bothered me.

After we returned, we had the third and final stage of the Moldova simulation. In my Security Council meeting (there were 8 altogether), as was the case in most meetings, the majority of the country groups had similar proposals. In mine, the US and the UK made a joint proposal, to which all countries but Russia, who abstained, agreed. France got nearly everything we wanted into the final proposal, which was mostly in there as it was, partly because the leaders of the neighboring groups (UK, Israel, and, to an extent, Egypt) were girls, and (the UK girl started it) I was able to get them to agree to certain conditions by flirting with them. Wrong, probably. Manipulative, sure. But, hey, it worked and they tried the same thing on me.

After dinner, there were two LGMs, one a debriefing on the visits that day, and the other preparation for the Global Summit. We broke down into 8 commissions, with two or three people per commission. These were Environmental (my group), Development, International Law, Health, Human Rights, Peace and Security, Political, and Trade. Each commission had four subcommissions. Environmental had water management, population strategies, sustainable energy (my subcommission), and global warming.

Day 6 Friday

This day started with a LGM on the Human Rights and International Law Panel we were to attend. The topic of this speech was Genocide. While the four speakers were informative, only one was interesting to most of us. The topic was good, as was the information, but they were not quite enough to keep 360 sleep deprived teenagers’ attention very well. The first speaker was decent enough, though he did get into a small debate (which was cut short by applause) with a person from Turkey (much like a Russian who also got into a debate at CATO, where the speaker had another man, who wasn’t even on the stage answer, who told the Russian that he pretty much knew more than the him because he is older and went to Russia once) over the Armenian “genocide” (quotes, as I do not know if it actually was one or not). The second speaker was the most interesting one, who focused more on the moral side of the issue. The third was a high pitched (I thought the woman was talking at first, and jumped some when I saw that the guy was talking) military lawyer, who was, all in all, fairly uninformative. The fourth was the second most interesting, a woman who had been involved in some trials in Africa, I believe (I can’t remember where, exactly) and would’ve been better if she’d gotten more time to answer questions in without the first speaker cutting her off.

After this, we went to the Smithsonian. Lindsey, Vi-Vi, Emily, Shannon and I (I don’t know how I got stuck with all girls again this time) went first to the air and space museum, which would’ve been more educational if I had gotten to spend more time looking, and less trying to find or chase Vi-Vi, who had had way too much caffeine and was even more hyper than usual. But, I will admit that I enjoyed spending time with them, and had more fun than if they, especially Vi-Vi, weren’t there. Weird, I liked having someone to watch after. Don’t’ know why… Maybe it’s some guy thing, don’t know. Did get new sunglasses, however, since it seems my old ones were accidentally thrown away with a packet of information from CATO, which had been in the same pocket as my glasses. But, at least the new ones were better made, so they’ll hold up better. After the Air and Space museum, we went to the Natural History museum to see the Hope Diamond, then the American History to see, among other things, the ruby slippers from the Wizard of Oz. They’re not in very good shape. There, I couldn’t resist and got a stovepipe hat for Ben, who we kept saying looks like Abe Lincoln, and was only missing the hat. He didn’t keep it, but Lindsey took it (and it actually didn’t look bad on her) later.

After visiting the Jefferson Memorial briefly, and a LGM briefing us on the Diplomatic Reception we were going to and debriefing us on that day’s events, we went to the reception. On the way there, Nav decided that he was going to find me a girlfriend. Or, as he put it, a “wife.” He didn’t have much luck, not that I was very helpful. He did try hard though. The food there was, at the least, fancy. Most of it was decent enough, though I didn’t eat much of it as I’m used to (what I call) real food, and hadn’t much of an appetite up there anyway. Spent a good bit of time with Nav, Katherina, and her friend, Stephanie (I believe).

After the reception, we went to our rooms to start packing for New York, then had a LGM on travel preparations, and briefing us on what all we would be doing.

Day 7 Saturday

After delivering our luggage to the busses, which were late, we had a short LGM on what we would be doing that day, as well as a “Washington DC debriefing.” Mostly we talked about what would be happening that day and turned in our $25 keys (and for most, their $35 key cards, but Pelham, where I stayed, had no key cards). The buses left at about 9:10, and arrived at about 12:45 (late, due to bus 4, our bus, breaking down) in Philadelphia. On the way, we slept part of the time, played cards after a while, and talked. A little over halfway there, while Ben was out of the seat he was sitting in with Nav (I was by myself, and Ben had been talking to someone farther up) started flipping a coin deciding whether or not to tell Nav about me. I’d already decided, but it’s a convenient way to stall. Eventually, after he got curious enough, told him that I figured I should go ahead and tell him why he wasn’t finding any girls that I was interested in, and that there was something he didn’t know about the German (he already knew that I’d been unsure of whether or not this German, who he assumed was female, had been flirting with me or was being friendly. Decided he was just being friendly). After a lot of “umms” and “ahhs” said that the German isn’t a girl, then turned to the window and started commenting on the existence of the plants on the side of the road (a.k.a. “Hey, look, a plant!” so I didn’t see his expression but for a second when it was just really surprised. He was cool with it, and suddenly, so many things made sense to him. Shortly after that, he decided (although I’m not sure that he told me this then, or later) that he was going to find me a guy, or try to at least.

In Philly, since we were late, we didn’t have much time. Ate at a mall (that didn’t look like a mall from the outside), I think all three of us (Nav, his friend Nader, or Nadir, however you spell it, and I) had Philly Cheese Steaks (at least one of them got a Super Philly, but close enough) which was good. After a short time shopping, in which I found a copy of the declaration of independence for both me and a friend Nav had mentioned that liked political stuff (I have a strange memory for that kind of thing, and will remember the weird little things like that for a while, sometimes for years), then we went and (tried) to see the Liberty Bell. When we saw how long the line inside the building was, we had to hurry to the exit shortly due to time constraints. We did get to glimpse it though. After the buses had left (we made some time up here, and weren’t way too late to Manhattan college) we watched “Scary Movie 3” which someone had bought for the bus, along with “Independence Day” with 50 cents from everyone on the bus. During the movie, our bus broke down again, and we had to switch to the supply bus, Bus 9. Shortly after the movie was over, we got our first glimpse of New York City, a ways off. My first impression was of how industrial the surrounding country was. Also, soon enough, of how unhealthy the plant life was. After a short break refilling the busses, we made our way into the city, and to Manhattan College, the NYC GYLC base. We drove up to the 8^th floor entrance (almost an hour late, so everything was pushed back), which most people said “Whoa, there’s an 8^th floor entrance?!” to. We were told our luggage was down at the first floor entrance, so we had to go downstairs (the elevators were used for luggage only for that time period) to get it. Thomas and my luggage, however, since we had gone to the LGM room early and not seen our luggage personally onto our bus, was on bus 9, back on the 8^th floor. So, we had to go back up 8 flights of stairs. Luckily, by this time, my calves were in the best shape they’d ever been, so it wasn’t too bad, just dizzying. I had a room on the 8^th floor, but the way it was set up, the 840 combination, and 841, did not work to get into the room. The other two rooms in our section, 801 and 802, did work, so they had to let us in and give us the correct combination. After a few minutes of unpacking (speeded up by the fact that almost all of my clothing was in a bag for laundry as I hadn’t done any yet) my first roommate came in. He was Thomas from Japan, but originally from Texas. I’d already claimed the normal bed, leaving him a choice of top or bottom on the bunk bed. After that I went to find dinner, which was over a bridge, down more stairs, and into a room. It had a good set up, if slightly confusing at first glance, and good food. The only problem was every dinner had the same options, and all the breakfasts were the same way. But it still wasn’t bad. After dinner, went back up to my room and soon found out that we did indeed have a third roommate, fortunately it was Ben who I already knew and got along with. The only problem was, he had no closet space. So, we ended up moving a closet thing that was in the study room (you walked in, and in front of you was the study room, to either side was a pair of rooms with a bathroom. I was on the right side at the end of the short hall) into ours, so he had room for his clothes. After finding where the quad was (down more stairs, but it was a kind of nice quad, GW’s was better), where you couldn’t go in the grass with shoes on, we had a brief orientation after a “National Delegations Rally” where we basically yelled our country cheers. France’s cheer, which was added to very quickly when we saw ours was too short, was basically one person said “How strong are we?” everyone else “Too strong, that again, but louder, “What kind of power do we have?” “Soul power” and again, louder, then ran to the middle, then did our main cheer. Forming a semi circle we (basing off of a South African chant) had a person in the middle, Brad, who yelled “Unity” and we put our arms on eachother’s sholders, “Freedom” and we bowed down, then he yelled “Liberte” (Liberty) and we stood up straight, yelling “France!” then bowing down, the same with “Gallite” (honor, I believe it was) and then “Fraternite” (Brotherhood, and I slaughtered the French spellings, by the way) and we stood up yelling “Vive la France!” (pretty much long live France). At the short LGM, we talked about what all we would be doing, then had a Global Summit Commission Meeting 2. We had to work on our proposals, which had to be finished that night. My group got a good start, as I pretty much told them (well, wrote down. I’d lost almost all of my voice over the day) what to do, then started to crash and let them finish it up, which let it get really vague, but it was still good enough). Since we were running late, there was no social that night as was scheduled. We were tired enough not to care. Back in my room I met Tony, who was across the hall in 801 or 2, who lives in the Bahamas. I’d know he was in the building because he always came in singing (he was pretty good, too). We all stayed up talking, and I was tired enough that I was being really strange when I did talk. Me and Tony had been in our room for a minute or two alone, since the others were off doing whatever, and started cracking up as I’d heard what he said wrong and both of us (being very tired) found the concept of “toothpaste socks” (he’d said the toothpaste sucks, since they’d given us free toothpaste and stuff) incredibly funny. Ben just looked at us oddly and went to sleep. Well, it might have been the next night or two, but I think it was that one, the date’s not important though.

Day 8 Sunday

The morning started out with a LGM discussing the Summit Commission meetings from the previous night. It seems that my group was the most successful, although one of our members had been absent due to illness. Next, my bus (the others went to one of two other sites) went to the Metropolitan Museum of Art. We’re just good, so we left first, and got there earlier than they expected, they weren’t even open yet. After waiting to get the name badges and browsing in the gift shop, Nav, Tass (a German, but not that one German, which Nav later checked to make sure), and I wandered around. We saw the Greek displays, which were good, and Medieval, which was also interesting. Next was the Egyptian display, which was very detailed, and we wished we had more time to look around, especially as the Medieval armory opened at 11, and we, although there at the time, didn’t have enough time to go look. At a glance though, it was very impressive. After the Egyptians, we went upstairs, Nav to the musical section, and Tass and I went to the paintings. They were good, although I found the displays we’d been to earlier much more interesting. Next, however, was the highlight of the weekend; the Mets v. Yankees at Shae Stadium.

Our bus, being, of course, the best bus, got there earlier than the others (we were also known by now as the singing bus, as we would spontaneously start singing various songs) and we walked in just in time for the National Anthem. We were in the nose bleed section, but it was still a fun experience. Since I was sitting in the midst of a Mets group, and I didn’t follow baseball, I rooted for the Mets. By the time the game was even half over, we were all cheering for the Mets (I believe most GYLCers were, partly as we got little bobble-head Mets pins from our FAs. Though some did wear the pins with their Yankees hats, of course). The most common chat by the end of the game was “Let’s go Yankees” followed by a (quieter, but still loud) “Yankees suck.” When it was time to leave (the game wasn’t over yet, in the 8^th inning I believe, right when the game was heating up), we started chanting first “We wanna stay” then, after the second try “Hell no, we wont’ go” (very mature, but we were having a blast). The FA (well, he was an Ops Team member, who’s behind the scenes, not a country group leader) kept on laughing, and so did the others we passed on the way down. The agreed with us, but we still had to go. The best part, and most ironic, for me was that I finally found what I’d been looking for at the game. Peace with myself, about who and what I am.

After dinner and a LGM on the coming proposal debate for the Global Summit, we met in our Commissions and voted on both two proposals to pass on to the summit (mine, of course, was passed through) and nominees for the Summit Chairperson. While I was nominated, I did not (and don’t know how close the vote was, if it was close) get the nomination. However, Nav and Creig did, and Nav went on to become Vice Chairperson. Afterwards, there was another LGM on what had happened in the commissions, then we (of course) stayed up in our rooms talking again. I believe that night’s discussion started off with the topic of gay marriage, as I was curious what it was like in their countries. Neither allows marriage per say, though Ben did say that Oslo is fairly open to them, although, of course, the smaller towns, like where he comes from, it’s not common to have openly gay people. But, he did also say that gays are allowed in the military, and that his father served under a gay officer, who everyone respected and liked. A much different viewpoint than can be found in most parts of America. Thomas, though, went on to say (when the conversation had shifted some (it shifted to another topic later) to gays in Norway talking to an anti-gay official and being treated well, and invited in) that if that had happened in America, gays showing up somewhere on a bus, they wouldn’t get in as they would be.. “busy” on the lawn. That comment almost made me hurt him, but by this time I’d recovered my patience (severely tried from before GYLC) and just laid back down and didn’t say anything much for a few minutes. Although, now that I think about it, I think that was also the first night. That night, or day or sometime, I’d been talking with Ben, and told him about myself. He was surprised and fine with it (as it turns out, he’s bi, but I didn’t’ find that out until after the conference, so it’s no surprise he was fine with it in retrospect), and we talked for a while on that.

Day 9 Monday

By this time, it seemed like both more than a week, as the days were long, and much less, as the days flew by, despite their length.

The first LGM was on a Financial World briefing. This speech went well, and was fairly high in the list of speakers by how much we liked them. This is probably due to it being a single speaker, which tends (not in CATO’s case, though) to go over well. While we did not all agree with him, in fact I think more disagreed, we did learn much from the speech, and got to have a debate afterwards, which we had done on occasion.

The lunch that day was at South Street Seaport, where I spent time with Sylvia and Emily, mostly wandering around after lunch, where we also sat with Nav, Thomas, and Adil. I might have talked more with Nav, but he had his interview for his Chair nomination (he wasn’t’ yet vice chair, but would be soon enough). Early on in Sylvia, Emily, and my conversation, it was brought up that the girls had already listed who they thought was attractive in the LGM or something like that, and they suggested that I do the same with the girls. By this time, I was starting to get good at my set up and delivery for this, and told them about myself. Emily, however, wouldn’t believe me. Partly, it turns out, because she tends to be gullible and thought I was joking though I insisted I wasn’t, and partly because early on she had had a crush on me.

After lunch, there were two more LGMs, a debriefing and a Coalition Building preparation meeting, getting ready to manipulate people into doing our bidding. It was confusing, but we got a good bit done. Although, we did have some trouble with Russia not telling us what they were doing, as we’d almost made a deal with them to get them to sign off on something it turns out they were going to anyway. A girl from the Norway group, who I’d met at breakfast in GW once, who liked me, kept trying to get me to do what she wanted by flirting with me. Turnaround’s fair play, I suppose. Of course, I manipulated back, and in the end I’m not sure that either one of us got what we wanted, but I think we did. During this time, Faryn, who we had elected leader for the coalition building, and then made leader for the rest of the time in the group, did an excellent job, both in managing us and in negotiations. Especially as she had to do that, and at least a dozen other things, at the same time. Anyway, that was the night that Nav had intended for me to meet the Summit reporter he knew (and thought was gay), but their meeting went on too long, and didn’t get to that day.

We had a debriefing LGM, then another Cultural Exchange where we played children’s games outside (there was actually a purpose there, though it was fun to just goof off for a while). Then of course, the nightly talk (actually I think this was the toothpaste sock incident, the nights kind of run together when you’re that tired).

Day 10 Tuesday

Today, the first event was our first trip to the UN. We, after a very long wait getting through security, met in the room we would use the next day for the Global Summit. After a speech, and some brief orientation, we went to Rockefeller Center for lunch. It was fun, but would’ve been much better had we had more free time there. But afterwards, (we were on different busses again, but Nav, Ben, and Tass were on my bus, as well as Nadir and a few other people I know) my bus went to the lower Manhattan walking tour. It was fairly interesting, even if I didn’t trust the tour guide much for some reason. After dinner, there were three LGMs. The first was a UN debriefing, followed by a Global Summit preparation meeting, and lastly a Cultural Exchange, the best kind of LGM. For this one, we were outside again, and played different kinds of games. Afterwards, there was a “Working Social” where we were supposed to finalize deals for the Summit. I, and several other of my French group, refused to work, as we all needed a break and I was there to have fun. It wasn’t too much fun, but it was still fun. And, once again, was supposed to meet Nav’s reporter guy, but didn’t get to due to another meeting he had. I would meet him the next day, however. After the “working” social where I didn’t do any work, there was the usual nightly talk in the rooms (our room had become the unofficial meeting place for the others who wanted to talk, but mainly it was us three and Tony, occasionally with a guy from Nepal, forgot his name). This time, it was just rambling talk, mostly with me, Ben, Tony, and the Nepal guy, as Thomas was still sick, as he had been since we got to NY, and was pretty out of it. Mostly, we just talked about the places we’d gone that day, and things related to that. Plus a discussion on Ben’s mouth harp (it’s really pretty cool. It’s a strip of metal, folded back so it’s in a roughly key-hole shape, with a little prong sticking out. You hold the narrow part in your mouth, and pluck the prong, changing your breathing to make different notes).

Day 11 Wednesday

At breakfast, saw Nav, and he, finally, introduced me to the guy he’d told me about. Nav, however, has horrible taste in guys (which is a good thing for him). The guy was very feminine, very… closed body language, really tight personality it seemed, long blond hair (personally don’t like long hair on guys, or blondes for that matter), and, frankly, kind of rat faced. I think Nav was rather happy that I said he has bad taste in guys, though. But hey, he tried, and I appreciated it.

The Global Summit took place that day, and went fairly smoothly. Every proposal France had an official position on, we got our way on. We would’ve liked more time to debate things, but it wasn’t allowed. Each proposal was brought up, with one minute to speak for, then another minute (able to be split between two countries if there was more than 20 seconds left) against, then a repeat of that. Voting followed, with an official count if requested; otherwise it was a simple show of hands, see who wins vote. The original decision, when challenged, was correct each time. The sixteen proposals, two from each commission, went by quickly enough, and my proposal was passed, despite being vaguer than I liked. Luckily, the odd proposal by the United States (who then spoke against it, at the Summit, due partly to France’s prodding on the bus about the issue) that all nuclear weapons be divided among all nations equally was not passed. Countries only abstained or voted against. No single person voted in support of the proposal. Only one other proposal was similar in results, when about 3 people voted against one of the proposals (I do not remember which one, however).

Afterwards, and after a tour of the UN and time in the gift shop (where I had to buy a shirt, among other things, in order to have anything relatively clean to wear the next day) was lunch in Times Square. This went well, until I got sick. After eating some dessert, a blacova I think it was called, I got very dizzy, and my chest started to feel tight. After leaving the restaurant (I was with Nav, Ben, Emily, and “Sunshine” (some guy I didn’t know well, but from the USA group so I recognized him at least)) I soon was unable to continue and had to call someone for help (an Ops team member) as I was too dizzy, weak, and nauseous (as well as trouble controlling my breathing, trouble speaking, and a high pulse rate) to keep going. Managed to make it to the bus, slowly (85,000 cabs in the city, and it seems none were on duty), which was, luckily, late. After curling up on my bed for 5 or 10 minutes, I got up, took three Advil, a decongestant, and a Pepcid AC (we missed the scheduled LGM, as we were very late from traffic where it took an hour and a half at least to make it what usually took 20 minutes). Then it was time for the cruise. By that time, the medicine had kicked in and I’d finally woken up from it, so I got to enjoy it. The view was incredible, and the food wasn’t bad either. Got lots of pictures, although the ones of things off the boat didn’t turn out. After a while, and after Thomas gave up trying to get me to dance (I know how to, which he didn’t know, but I don’t like to unless I have a date or something), and went down to the lower deck. Talked to Vi-Vi there, who I hadn’t expected to run into, who understood why I was sad that I had to go back to the south. People up there, especially GYLCers, but also, from general attitudes I saw and from talking to other people, are much more tolerant, and I’d finally found a place where, in my eyes, I could be happy. I could find someone I like there, and not have to be worried about people finding out, the wrong people, which I have to worry about any time I leave the house down here. Makes it hard to leave. The thing that made me feel really accepted though, was not their attitudes, but Vi-Vi saying that if she had an older brother, or any brother really (from what I understood), that she’d want him to be like me, and not mind chasing her down in the Air and Space museum, which had meant a lot to her, she said. Really felt like I belonged there, which is rare for me. Tore my heart out knowing I had to leave the next day, and it still does when I think about it, but not as much. I’d made some really good friends, and loved every minute of GYLC. It’s not that I didn’t’ want to see friends and family down here again. I didn’t want to leave my friends and extended family up there to come back down here, where I have to hide myself from almost everyone. That night, I did not take part in the discussion, which didn’t last very long. Most of us felt the same way, to varying degrees. I think the only one of us who was very happy to go home was Thomas, who had done nothing but complain about GYLC’s busy schedule.

Day 12 Thursday

After breakfast, and putting our luggage where it goes, we had our last LGM. It was, as they say, bitter-sweet, and for me nerve racking. At the end of it, with emotional support from Nav and Vi-Vi who knew what I was planning, said “I just wanted to thank ya’ll for accepting me. I’m gay, and since I live in the south, I’m used to not being accepted. So, yeah, thanks, it’s meant a lot to me.” After a brief, shocked pause (I can still see Lindsey, out of the corner of my eye, with a shocked look on her face, that had I only told her, would’ve been fun to watch, but I didn’t make any eye contact when I said the entire little thing) they applauded, and we went on to take our group photos in front of the building. I avoided talking to everyone after some short goodbyes, to make sure I didn’t cry or anything, as almost everyone there did, guys and girls alike. It was just too hard to say goodbye out there. Couldn’t do it, since it hurt so much to leave. I am very glad that I have their, or some of their email addresses, because I don’t know what I would do without their support and friendship. GYLC changed me in ways I can’t explain, and that people who did not experience it cannot understand completely. I’ve changed so much, I’m not who I used to be, although I still have parts, and the same core as before, only strengthened and improved upon. I loved it there, and think at least part of me will always miss it, and the friends I made there. It’s simply indescribable.

Miscellaneous Memories

While some of us, Nav, Vi-Vi, and some others, were sitting out on the grass at GW after dinner, Nav was watching Chad sitting under a tree. Now, the thing about Chad was that he was always with a group of girls, flirting and what not. Anywhere from one girl to 4 or 5. Not always the same ones, either. Anyway, this one time, Chad was by himself. Nav, with his odd sense of humor, started talking in his nature channel guy voice. “And the beta male, rejected by the alpha females, waits beneath a near-by tree, hoping to a passing beta female will allow him to implant his seed.” After that, you had to be careful about sitting under a tree (in the shade at least), and Nav started, at GW at least, commenting on whatever Chad was doing when he happened to see him during the day, using that voice and the terms beta and alpha male/female.

Chaos and Calm

There once was an emperor. He summoned the two best painters in his entire realm. He asked them to create a painting depicting peace. One artist painted a gorgeous landscape, with all manner of creatures and men living in harmony. Everywhere in the painting were images of creatures living side by side, with no strife to be seen. The second artist painted a picture of a raging waterfall. Torrents of water splashed across the canvas, storms gathered in the distance. Leaves fell, branches cracked, and mist flew everywhere. The emperor demanded to know what the meaning of this painting was. The artist pointed to a small section of the waterfall, where an outcropping of rock created a small shelter from the water. In this shelter was a small nest, with a mother bird and three chicks. The artist explained that peace is shelter from the chaos all around us.

That is a very apt description of what peace is. The calm in the chaos, even if it is the eye of the storm. The last number of days have been rather chaotic for me. Things have been set in motion for which I nor my family were prepared, and we are doing our best to fix things. But this weekend, I found calm in this storm. I had one of the best weekends that I can remember having.

I might not be the best portrayal of calm. The press of chaos is wearing on me. With help from those close to me, I have some shelter from it though. I just wanted to say thank you for that. Even those who I haven't spoken to about it yet, I know you're there for me.

Sparky, thank you for our weekend. It helped more than I can say.

Origins of Emotions

In the beginning, there was nothing but darkness. Then there was light. And then, many diverse and wondrous things happened over the course of a very long period of time. To skip a few billion years worth of description, let us skip to the rise of animals. As animals began to become more complex, their needs also became more complex, as did their interactions with the world around them. Slowly, over time and with the advent of a sophisticated central nervous system, primitive sensations became what we might call emotions. These emotions were likely limited to the basic ones such as the need to defend oneself and one’s territory, the need to run away in the event of danger, and the need to not kill certain creatures without due cause. This may have led to other emotions, such as the need to socialize with others of the same species. Without this socialization, and the resulting cooperation, many species may have died out.

Let’s fast forward for another good chunk of time. By this time, creatures and interactions have gotten increasingly complex and led to animals such as primates. These basic emotions would have had to evolve to incorporate many new feelings over time, as more complex social groups formed. New emotions would have included a sense of loss when individuals died, and eventually a need to share and help the others in the group, as well as the need to be part of a group. After enough time, a crude sense of evaluation must have been developed to acknowledge the right of an individual or small group to control the larger group.

Now, let us take one final jump, reaching the last ten thousand years. Remember, as a species, we are not all that different from those early farmers. By this point, humans had become parts of groups of increasing size and complexity. As such, our emotional needs have expanded. With more emotions, there are more opportunities for variations of and combinations of these emotions. As each successive need for a basic emotion is added, entire new webs of emotions spring up around them, binding the various emotions together. This goes beyond a biological need, to fill a psychological need. This addition of new emotions both allows more effective social interaction by way of understanding and communication, and allows for easier navigation of our emotional states. When an animal has only a few emotions, it would be more difficult to slide into a non-aggressive state than when there are similar emotions which can facilitate the emotion. Similarly, it is easier to rise into a needed state without obvious signs of what is happening with emotions at varying combinations of the basic emotions.

So, what is an emotion? At its root, an emotion is a response to a stimulus. While this is true, it is not the entire truth for creatures with such complicated emotions. These emotions are all connected in various ways, and, by their innate codependence on each other, are capable of influencing our other emotions by their presence and/or severity. There are basic, more primal emotions, over which other emotions have grown and expanded, with lesser emotions connecting these.

Emotions

This is post number 5o. I've been putting off a post about what love is for this one, but trying to sleep for the past half hour, I've actually had a lot of ideas branching off from it that, in order to sleep, I feel the need to put down into writing.

First, let me recap my theory on fear. Fear is an overabundance of doubt. The opposite of fear, an utter lack of doubts and fears, could be seen as confidence, while the ultimate in that direction would be recklessness, due to a lack of concern for the consequences.

Now, Love and Hate. We've all heard that hate is not the opposite of love, and I have never argued this point, and have finally found a way to explain it. Before that though, let me define love.

Love is the little things that make life worth living. Be it the earnest kisses from a sleepy puppy who has crawled to the nook of your arm, a smiling face who can make you happy just by being there, or a simple task that brings joy to your life.

Now, as with most things, love exists on a scale. Basically, how much it adds to your life that makes it worth it. At some point, it adds nothing. This is the opposite of love: indifference. Now, imagine this scale on a grid, like it was math class. It's a straight line just above the x axis (the horizontal). It goes straight, then curves down into the origin (0,0 or the center of the grid). From there, there is a line that curves back under the x axis following the same path, just on the negative side. It is equal but opposite. This is hate, things that make your life not worth living, or canceling out the love if you prefer to see it that way. The way I picture it, it's like a shadow. The opposite of your head would be your feet, rather than the head of your shadow. They're joined together (as long as you're in contact with the ground and are in contrasty light), but the two ends aren't the opposite, the origin is. And each point along it is far closer to it's counterpart than it is to the origin point, unless there is so little impact on your life it's negligible. This is why it's so easy to jump from love to hate and hate to love. Passion, of course, plays a role in it as do many other things. And with all such things, these scales are but one factor in our complex minds. This view is also looking at the overall balance, rather than the grand totals. Allowing the two sides to fight it out and looking at what is left.

Now, throw in fear. On that mental graph, add a line starting at and extending away from the origin. The direction doesn't matter, as long as it's not going back through the curved line. This is fear and confidence. The farther away from the origin point, the more doubt and fear there is. But at the very end of the graph, you hit the origin point. This is where you have absolutely no fear. This is because, intersecting with the other graph, there is nothing that makes life worth living. You have nothing to doubt because there is no fear of consequences. If you die, so what? It's not worth living. If you had enough hate, it could replace the reason to live with a need for vengeance. But at the point of indifference, it just doesn't matter.

Let's make this even more complicated. Sadness, happiness, and anger. These are perhaps the emotions most diverted by other variables, and annoyingly the most noticeable and powerful on our everyday lives. Let's look at them as a trio of lines extending from a central point. They do not negate each other, but they do seem to balance each other out well enough to consider it so for this graph paper exercise. The central point for the three is once again the origin, the point of indifference.

Extending along the line of fear is the line for sadness. Along the hate side of the curved line is anger. And, of course, along the love side would be happiness. Now, the farther away you get from the origin, the stronger the effect of the emotion, and the more capable it is of overriding the other two. A life of horrible fear, panophobia if you wish (fear of everything), is a very sad life. Someone consumed by hate is of course angry, and happiness usually results from love (talking about most humans, not the mentally twisted ones).

This is not all strictly true of course. But like I said, it is greatly subject to the effects of other variables. Such thing as the death of a loved one. You still love them, but the pain of the loss throws you straight into sadness. This is not always from an increase in doubt, but in grief. In time, things balance back out, but it takes time to heal. During this, most people jump back and forth between all three of those emotions, and many various combinations, as well as resting in that point of indifference. Anger especially is prone to outside influence from things such as irritation, protectiveness, and morality. This doesn't mean you're hateful, but rather that there are outside influences at work.

This point of indifference, the gray area, the numb zone, whatever you wish to call it, is perhaps the most dangerous spot for anyone to be because you simply do not care when you're there. About anything. The extremes of anger can be dangerous for its own reasons. Sadness and fear can be extremely dangerous as well, but often there are things you care about, things that add to the love side of the scale, which offer a reason to care. But when nothing tips the scale, it is hard to find reasons.

I know this model of human emotions is far from perfect, but it's rather useful for my way of thinking about things, plus I just find it fascinating to try to picture it all. And yes, I know there are more emotions and factors, but I'm tired and these seem to be the major ones, and related enough to most of the others. Loneliness springs to mind, but part of that is basic biological need, and I'm too tired to think it out anyway.

One last note on love though. It is all of the little things that add up in life that make it worth it. Not just one thing. The dog, the person, the hobby, they all add up into the same scale. None takes away from the others, they all add to it. While loving one person or thing can be enough, it's better to find more things as well. And before someone tries to twist my words, note that I said things not people (in the romantic sense. more people as in friends and family I'm all for). I am not condoning open relationships, polygamy, or cheating. Some people can handle those things, but usually it seems to add more to the negative side of that spectrum, more problems, than it adds love. Besides, I'm too greedy and too lazy. I refuse to share my man with anyone else, and even if I were so inclined I just wouldn't have the energy to seek out and romance anyone else. No worries, Sparky. I'm very happy with how things are, and I don't want anyone else.

Ah, I should explain the picture. Ties in with the love part. One of the things that can make it worth living is the counter-weight. It's completely different, but still matches and compliments the other part. They work together well, and one's strengths help cover the other's weaknesses, making the pair stronger than the parts. The same, yet opposite. Or maybe not opposite. Maybe a more happy version of the love/hate relationship. Not the shadow, but just the counterpart, working in tandem as a balancing act.

I've been typing on this for almost an hour now. Hopefully I can get some sleep now!

From the Bleachers

I just got off of the phone with Sparky. And as I got off of the phone, I stepped back from myself, sat in the bleachers so to speak, and looked at what had just happened. Before he called, I was still worked up, stressed, blah, blah, and blah. After, I just felt... refreshed. The opposite of how I woke up this morning, actually. I woke up tired, sore from sleeping the wrong way, grouchy, panicky because I forgot that today was the second, not tomorrow, all that fun stuff. Then I talk to him for... wow, must have been about an hour. Nothing overly important, just chatting. And I'm relaxed again. Still a bit sore, but it's not driving me crazy as much (until I go to lay down and sleep at least).

So sitting out in the bleachers as I am, I figure that I might as well look and see what else is going on with me that I haven't noticed yet. My somewhat shaky confidence is returning (I've been painting my floors in an unusual way, but I absolutely love it even if it is funky). My posture even seems to be straighter after talking to him.

And thanks to the cat mewing at the door and running way, I've been kicked out of the metaphorical bleachers and I've lost my entire train of thought. And he's back at it. So as punishment for ticking me off, being finicky, and rather ruining my blog post, he will now have to sit out the remainder of it upside on my lap, facing the computer screen so he can see that I, too, have things that I want to do. He is rather cute this way, although the pensive tail flapping is aggravating.

Well, since I seem unable to finish off the post I had started, but I do not yet want to let him go free to annoy me again, let me relate a story. There is no point to the story, nor is it particularly related to anything mentioned thus far. When I was in kindergarten, we went on a trip to the park. I remember absolutely nothing about the trip other than sitting on the bench (or whatever you'd call the slabs of wood around the big oak trees that aren't actually benches but serve as them), and all of a sudden I'm covered in fire ants. I of course freak out because of this. My mom, who was one of the chaperones, and the teacher run over and start knocking them off of me. The odd thing was that I didn't get a single bite. Both my mom and the teacher got a few, but the screaming, panicking kid who was covered with them didn't at all. Of course, that's the last time the ants ever showed me mercy. But still, it was rather memorable.

Ah, well, I suppose the cat has served his time, despite an escape attempt, so it's time to end this.

Smells

There is something unusual about our sense of smell. We don't focus on it much, but the right smell can bring memories flooding back, good or bad. As little as our culture relies on it, and our species, we have such a wide range of smell-related products that it's rather amazing. Sound, which we rely on far more, isn't treated in such a manner. Despite the large music industry, there are no plug-in ambiance sound machines (not counting sleep machines) that I'm aware of.

As a species, our sense of smell is probably about the least used. Once we raised up off of all fours, it just became somewhat redundant. Sure, it still comes in handy sometimes, and some people have fairly good senses of smell (for better or worse), but we don't rely on it. Animals like dogs trust smell more than sight even. Touch we will always need for interacting with the world around us, sight we use more than any other, taste tells us when something shouldn't be eaten, sound is, while less important than sight, our second most used sense. But smell? It could eventually evolve right off of our faces. For people in polluted cities, that's probably a blessing.

So why do we focus so much on smell? We ignore textural things except for things we wear or sit/sleep on. Sound is reduced to entertainment and communication, mostly using visual media as well. Taste is innately limited to food and drink, so that one doesn't count, although we take little time (in this country) to prepare truly great food. Art, which is supposed to appeal to the senses, ignores the chemical-based senses. Yet go into a super-store and there's at least one full aisle devoted to candles, air fresheners, plug ins, and bowls of wood chips and clearish things that look like hard jello but smell... well... not bad, but a bit strong for my taste.

The point I'm actually trying to make is that God for all of these smell-related products. I have two candles lit (completely different scents), I sprayed both kinds of air fresheners that I have (two completely different scents from each other and the candles), and I just brewed some coffee, half for the smell, half for the caffeine. All of this in attempting to overpower the smell of polyurethane coming from my bathroom. Apart from the headache (ok, the coffee was half for that, too, even if that is three halves), I just hate the chemical smell. But it's worth it. I have finished painting my bathroom floor and there are two coats of poly-u on it to seal it. Unusual floor treatment, I know, and visually unusual as well, but I'm happy with it. It's unique, rather funky, and I had all of the needed materials. It's far better than having carpet in there.