Thinking

I have been told, more times than I care to think about, that I overthink things.  This is, I know, true.  While this is something I am trying to work on, there is only so much that I can do to fix it.  Partly because, frankly, it's hard to think about not thinking about things, because it just makes you think more.  Partly because of things that happened to me years ago, but only a small part these days.  Mostly because it's who I am and how I was raised, that thinking is good and to look at something from every angle.

A good bit of it I can change, I just have to have time... probably more time than I'm willing to admit to myself.  I thought about it a LOT last night.  Meditated on it.  And I realized that I've forgotten to be who I am, who I want to be. I've been ignoring who I am, focusing instead on who I think someone special wants me to be.  Of course, if I had actually thought about it (ironic, I know), I would have known better. Intellectually, instinctively, I know that he wants me to be who I am, that that's who he loves and wants to be with.  But I didn't think about it, at least not from that far out, and I've been trying to do everything I can to be what he wants, or rather what it seems like he wants me to be.  I've let myself go, let go of what's important to me, and am trying to mould myself to something that nobody is actually asking of me.  I've let a job... a job I hate and am unsuited for... I've let it eat at me and eat at me, making everything worse.

On the bright side, knowing that something's wrong, I have begun meditating again, though not "properly" I admit... at least not in my accustomed fashion, which I may have to change.  I've been working out my... quirks, trying to quell tendencies to overreact and so on and so forth... I've spent a lot of time in the "basement" of my brain, where all the horrific crap has been shut in.  Trying to straighten it out, trying to clean it out... it's hard work.  There is a lot of pain there, and many false beliefs upon which everything else was built.  But I'm trying, and it's slowly getting better.  Very slowly.  Things that mean nothing to some people trigger... unexpected reactions in me.  Usually not for the better.  Once I lower my guard to someone, let them in, I lose the ability to filter a lot of it out.  I would rather not have to raise any part of my guard again, but I might have to... I'm at a job which eats at me, I'm away from those upon whom I have relied for the last two years, it's winter so I'm depressed (damn S.A.D.), and I've not been true to myself.  The late hours are really not helping either, nor is being sick (still not better, but enough so to go back to work today... yay...), but that's beside the point.  Actually, I've wandered far away from the point, which was about overthinking.  Apparently I overthought (underthought? both?) the blog on overthinking... oh well.  My only other thought was, to nobody in particular, that sometimes, just sometimes, it's not me who's overthinking things, but others who are underthinking.  Usually though, it's a bit of both.

God I wish my brain had a mute button...

Unnatural?

There are two ways you can go about looking at homosexuality from a moral standpoint.  One is non-religious, and one is religious.  Let's start with non-religious.

First and foremost, one should take a look at other animals to determine if homosexuality is unnatural.  Since homo- or bisexual behavior seems to be a nearly (if not completely) universal phenomenon (http://www.physorg.com/news164376975.html), especially true in the case of primates, some of which are completely and universally bisexual, we can rule out  it being unnatural.  As for a morality standpoint, there is little to go by from a non-religious standpoint which doesn't hinge on it being unnatural.  As a method of population control alone, it is useful in and of itself, and worth keeping around with a population of 7,000,000,000+.

Religiously, there are two ways of looking at it, an active diety or a passive diety.  An active diety is easy to rule out, as homosexuality (namely in animals) would not exist in such a scenario.  A passive god(s) would, following any sort of logic, accept a group on their own terms.  If a species evolved which automatically included homosexuality, there would be no immorality in such an act, as long as it was willing (as with any sexual relations).

On a side note, the mere fact that men have a "G-spot" on the prostate, which can only be reached by penetration, proves that homosexuality is natural, and to some degree logical in a social animal.  Dominance would be enforced by "topping" the subordinates, and those which protested least - or liked it - would be more likely to survive for long, passing the trait on to their children.

Just food for thought.

Nature

The Great Spirit has made us what we are:

it is not his will that we should be changed.

If it was his will, he would let us know;

if it is not his will, it would be wrong

for us to attempt it, nor could we,

by any art, change our nature.

(Seneca Proverb)

Undignified

I had a sweet cat, curled up on my lap purring away, happy as can be.  Then I sneezed on his head and the purring stopped.  After an undignified moment, he ran away.  Of course, as soon as my coffee was ready he jumped back up and now I feel bad to disturb him so I haven't gotten my coffee yet.  Oh well.

For the first time in a long time

I should do the typical update of a long ignored blog, revisited for the first time in months.  But I'm not.

Suffice to say that things that needed to end ended, and wonderful new things have grown in their stead.  Much like Yellowstone after their catastrophic fire, new life came far sooner and far greener than expected.

Tonight is the first night in six days that I'm spending the night alone.  Being in my twenties I know that it would be expected of me to relish the time alone, to revel in my so-called freedom.  But I'm not.

No, rather I find myself missing him.  Being in my twenties, I know that it would be expected of me to be missing the sex.  Well, there is that, but that's not what I find myself missing.  I miss him, the touch, the scent, the presence... the someone else to cook for, to eat with, to smile at.  The arm to lean against, the embrace to fall into... the soft but steady noise of another's breathing. That is what I miss.  My boys are here, the cat rather close (and for once not on my lap), and they have their own patterns... but its not the same.

I lay on the bed to read... and I miss his warmth.  I sit on the computer, for it at least has something to occupy me, and from time to time he does something, like "poking" me.  That helps, but its not the same as being tickled against my will.  Knowing me, I would NOT expect to miss that, but I do. 

Because it makes him smile, and that makes it all worth it.

So long story short... I miss you, and I'll see you soon.