Time for Time

Warning: This post will be confusing. Do not read while operating heavy machinery.

As I stood in my kitchen doing the dishes just now, something occurred to me. It regards time, like you couldn't figure that out from the title. It is a well established fact that time flies when you're having fun. Therefore, to slow down time, you must have no fun at all, or even... anti-fun. If you achieve such a state of anti-fun, you will notice (and every student has had at least one experience of this, mostly in college) that time will all but stand still. As Einstein theorized, time and space are related. The faster you move through space, the slower you move through time. Therefore, anti-fun equates to high velocity. It may be possible, even, to move backwards in time. The secret to this form of time travel is to go faster than light, to make time slow down so far it goes backwards. So, if were going close to the speed of light, and had a college economics class full of liberal art majors, the combined effect would send you hurtling backwards in time. However, nobody would be aware of this, because professors of such classes notice nothing but the lecture at hand, and the students are all asleep. So time travel is useless. Let us look at fun again, however. Since time is going faster, that must mean that it is the same as not moving at all, thereby allowing time it's full velocity. As every mother's child knows, you can't accomplish anything sitting on your duff all day. So fun is the opposite of productivity, which is why jobs always suck. Anyone who really loves their job must then themselves suck, to counteract the anti-productivity of the fun. So, to sum all this up, here are your options. You can either A) be a time traveler but completely unaware of any of it, B) have a crappy job but otherwise be a pretty cool person, or C) be a douche but love your job. And if you disagree with me, you can D) kiss my butt, you humorless ice queen.