Withdrawal

Last night I renewed my experience with the thing called withdrawal. Before you get any ideas,no, I am not addicted to drugs or alcohol. I have never used drugs (apart from pain killers prescribed when I got my wisdom teeth out), and don't drink all that often. All that said, you're probably wondering what the hell I'm talking about. It's simple... pottery.

Odd thing to be addicted to, I know, but if I go too long without throwing (the process of using a potter's wheel to make pottery), it starts building up and I start having a need to throw. I haven't thrown since April. Working with other mediums helps some, but I imagine that's something like giving an alcoholic a non-alcoholic beer. It might sooth the nerves slightly by the familiar taste (I imagine, I've never had one to know if it's the same kind of taste), but it's not really fixing the desire.

I have tried sculpture, drawing, painting, new mediums and new styles and new techniques. And the new boyfriend, who is actually the best of the distractions so far. If I was still within driving range of my friend Alisha, I would have gone over and just hung out, maybe had margaritas. Those were always fun nights. But as it was, there was nothing I could do. So what did I do? I paced. I was pacing from one end of my trailer to the other. I tried to meditate, and couldn't. I tried watching netflicks, and couldn't. So I ended up taking three sleeping pills to knock myself out... bad idea. One pill gives me a short temper. Two make me all fuzzy and somewhat helps me to sleep if I'm not wound up. Three gives me low-grade hallucinations it would seem. Nothing noteworthy other than I really shouldn't take more than two again. I also seem to have a hangover today, which I have only once gotten from drinking, but that involved a mentally handicapped kid playing the drums the next morning. Odd story for another time... for a select audience.

So... that leaves me the question about what addiction is. Chemically I understand. Drugs and alcohol creating dependency. But wheel-throwing? That has to be different... or does it? It could be possible that by mentally becoming dependent on throwing (which I did) for relaxation, self-centering, and sheer enjoyment, a peace of mind that I find difficult to recreate in other ways, it could be possible that this does two things. First, it could re-wire a mind to need that for proper functioning, much like a person becoming dependent on someone else for help. The second possibility is that hormones are released in my body when I throw which relax me. I'm imagining this as something akin to exercise releasing epinephrine. Which reminds me that I should be exercising... but if throwing does release a hormone, it could simply be that lack which I am experiencing. Which would make the withdrawal understandable.

Whatever the cause is, I have learned one thing. When I do not have access to a working wheel and clay, I should NEVER watch Ghost.