Would you like Karma-l syrup on that?

I've been up all night, thinking. Nothing ground shaking or monumental. Nothing very profound even. Just thinking. About the past, mostly. How it shapes us, the people we grow into. About karma. About the future.

This picture is me, or at least a face I presented the photographer. It's not my favorite, but it seems... honest to me this morning. Nothing is hidden, but not everything is revealed. Shadowy, but true. And largely, the personality presented was a good deal of who I was, or had been in high school. That's when I got that tattoo you see. I was... hostile, a bit overbearing and rigid. Always alone even when I wasn't. Scared. Scared and cornered and lashing out without knowing why.

This picture isn't me anymore. I still present that face from time to time, but... it's not so honest anymore. Not to my present self. I looked into the mirror this morning, maybe around five or so, when things are still blurry and you haven't started to reawaken yet. I barely recognized myself. I looked tired and old and worn, and in desperate need of a shave. This picture is a four years old now. It's been a long four years.

Sometimes we let the past take over. We forget the past before it some things, and the past after some things, and thus forget who we are. We are the sum of our parts, and more. We are not a single event. I've been forgetting this since I woke up about twenty hours ago. But, if karma exists, then it can be a mixed blessing. The traditional (at least western) view of karma is this. You do good works, and good things happen. You do bad works, you get bad stuff back. But what about when the universe hands you a bucket of bad crap out of nowhere? That does not justify bad actions. But, I think, it does count for some good fortune later in life. Does it balance out in the end? Maybe. I would like to think so. I would like to think that maybe you could even be lucky and have a good life, traded in for that bucket. Time will tell.

I don't know if this makes any sense at all. I'll read this back to myself later, whether I sleep or not until tonight. I might tell myself "Michael, you shouldn't have wasted the electrons to send this out on the net, or whatever it is that gets wasted." I might not. Hell, I might forget to read this back for a few days and then just figure it's too late and leave it up. For now, I'm going to go let myself relax, read a book or play a game, or just sit here and watch the sun rise, and do my best to stop thinking for once and let myself be.